It’s not often one gets to interview a person of Santa’s timeless international stature. But I recently had the good fortune of being stuck in a traffic jam on Highway 190 and enjoyed a window-to-window Q & A with the real Santa Claus. He looked like he was traveling incognito, with a coupla’ braids in his beard and longer hair than I recalled. He had on an LSU baseball cap with the worn edges crimped, and was driving an old red Chevy truck that read “S.C.’s Tree Cuttin’ & Stump Grindin’” on the door. The jolly old gent looked kinda cool in his muscle shirt, but when we made eye contact and I saw that famous twinkle, I knew he was the real deal …

Santa, what are you doing stuck in northshore traffic?

“Ho, ho, ho—same stop ’n go thing you’re doin’ lad, and I’m convinced that cars don’t cause traffic jams. Traffic lights cause traffic jams! I’m headed out to check the Christmas tree farms to see if they did okay during the hurricanes. Maybe we can work a little elf magic for the holidays …”

But I always thought you lived at the North Pole.

“Well, technically that’s still my mailing address. But it’s too dern cold up there, and I figured here on the northshore was a better place to winter. The elves and Mrs. Claus and I like the folks and the restaurants here. Plus, many of our top workers are from around here—like CFO, ho, ho, Mr. Bingle.”

Wow! I wondered what happened to Mr. Bingle! What about your reindeer?

“Oh, ho, ho, ho—they love it up at the Global Wildlife Center. They get to hang with a more exotic variety of critters than we have at the North Pole. Heck, they all deserve a place to get away and enjoy your warm winter, too.

Do you reveal yourself as Santa to any local politicians?

“Don’t have to. Magic and my eavesdroppin’ elves keep me alert to everyone’s Christmas thoughts and wishes. Parish President Davis has been wishin’ for too long for trailers for folks to live in while they rebuild. He’s been a good ol’ boy, so I s’pose he’ll get his wish. Mayor Price wants storm-proof trees and homes, Mayor Morris wants flood-proof housing and Mayor Watkins wants businesses that don’t affect traffic. Ho, ho, ho!”

How’re the hurricanes gonna’ affect Christmas this year?

“Oh, oh, oh. That’s been a real logistical problem. We’ve just about got it figured out with our new magic computers, donated by Bill Gates. We’re finding out where all the displaced children are living now so we can make sure we don’t forget them. The children need this Christmas to be a happy one more than ever before.”

Guess you put down a lot of milk and cookies on your route.

“Yeah, and I love the variety. Like New England’s maple or molasses cookies, Macadamia nut cookies from Hawaii, and my local favorite from around here that aren’t cookies at all—your pralines. They keep me peppy all Christmas Eve. And after Christmas, I’m crazy about King Cake! Y’all have it good down here. A fella’ could get fat and jolly easy in these parts.”

Your favorite Christmas song?

“This might surprise you, but I get a little miffed at all the attention that I get and all the materialism the holiday brings. “Silent Night” is my favorite carol, ’cause that’s what Christmas is all about—celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. Make sure you tell all your readers that’s the real reason for the season. Oooops! Green light, finally. Gotta’ go. Merry Christmas to all, and to all—green lights!”

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Copyright 2005, M&L Publishing, all rights reserved.